Is there a perfect marriage? Yes or no? The answer is probably different for each one of us. Yet, it seems we all live with the deeply rooted psychological desire to have a perfect marriage, based solely on love. The thirst for accumulating as much information on this topic as possible and keeping love alive in our marriage sometimes makes us follow even the most untested advice and opinions from some hip magazines or talk shows. And even though we have so much information, we still cannot understand what are the right means having a perfect marriage. Is there a language of love? Well yes, there is! I came to this conclusion a few days ago, after I browsed through a beautiful treatise on this topic by the well-known author Gary Chapman, namely The Five Love Languages.
Just as we need a linguistic baggage that facilitates good communication, we can also affirm the need to use a language when it comes to love and marriage.
If we want to cross cultural boundaries and communicate effectively, then we must learn the language of those we want to interact with. The same goes in love. Even love uses its own languages to make itself understood or, better said, felt for the partner.
The first language of love: Words of Affirmation
Pointing to this first language of love, namely words of affirmation (or statements), I mention that I will not only refer to what we instinctively suppose, namely the declarations of love, but I will also refer to other “dialects” of this language such as words of encouragement or words spoken in a kind tone.
Making a declaration of love or giving a compliment to the partner gives birth to a motivational feeling of involvement in the relationship much stronger than any other word. But be careful not to fall to the extreme, that is to say, using flattery to get what we want. The ultimate goal of love is not to get something from the other, but to do something for the good of the loved one. And is it not true that when we get genuine compliments, we are much more likely to react positively?
Another dialect of this language is encouragement. Who among us does not need encouragement? The same goes for marriage. It is very important that each partner does not forget to encourage one another. It is quite possible that one of the spouses wants to do something or has a talent that has not yet been developed. Maybe this potential is waiting to be heightened through your encouragement.
A big mistake can arise in providing encouragement to do things that our partner does not want to and that can quickly transform into a moralizing lecture, which does nothing but give the partner the feeling of guilt and rejection.
For the encouragement to be sincere and well received it is necessary to empathize with your partner, to see things from their perspective. By becoming aware of the things that really matter to your partner and communicating them through messages such as: “I know, I understand you, I am with you”, you make them much more attentive, loving and confident in your marriage.
The third “dialect” of declarations or affirmations are words spoken in a beautiful tone. I think of everything that conveys this simpler and clearer: the way we speak. It is wise to avoid using words with double meaning and to be very careful about the tone we use. A simple statement such as: I am disappointed that you did not offer to help me tonight to clean up the table after our guests left, spoken in a harsh tone will never be perceived as an expression of love. The same sentence conveyed in a calm and gentle tone helps ease the other person’s ability to hear what the partner feels and will bring up a problem that both hope to find a solution to. The clear, calm, considerate and unimposing expression of one’s viewpoint, makes one’s partner more open to accept with love any observation even when they are wrong.
Something to stay away from in these situations is to keep track of the other’s mistakes. No one is perfect, just as no one was assigned when receiving the sacrament of marriage to account for the mistakes of the other. Yes, we can do things that will hurt our partner, but it is important to ask for forgiveness and try to act differently in the future. Once one party asks for forgiveness, the other party has two possibilities: to do justice or to forgive. If we choose to judge, then a close(r) relationship between partners is impossible. But forgiveness is what draws near and yes, we can say with conviction, forgiveness is a kind of love.